


Camp Counselors: Underpaid and Ready to Fight (the Undead)

by InterstellarToaster



Series: Tiny Fandoms [4]
Category: Psychonauts
Genre: Action/Adventure, Cute, Fluff, Gen, Humor, POV Second Person, Setting Zombies on Fire, Slice of Life, Slight Parody, Spongebob Voice: The Gang's All Here, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 11:19:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14715035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterstellarToaster/pseuds/InterstellarToaster
Summary: Agent Wayne, camp counselor and pyrokinesis instructor, didn't want for much. A quiet night, a good book, maybe a nice cup of coffee in the morning. What you didn't want was zombies. Defending the campers from their, er, somewhat undead friends definitely wasn't in your Saturday night plans, but, hey, sometimes life was like that. Just another day at Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp.





	Camp Counselors: Underpaid and Ready to Fight (the Undead)

**Author's Note:**

> Ah man. I was going through some old stories and I found this guy. When I say old, I mean old. I've touched it up, and then decided to put it here, in case anyone else wants to read it. Good for laughs, nothing too serious

It was a bright day, at Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp. The sun was out in force, the wildlife was screaming, and generally, the campers weren't setting each other on fire. A lovely day. So, it was obvious that it wouldn't stay that way for much longer. Take, for instance, the office of one Agent Nein, as the agent himself sat at his desk, while a person with singed hair gestured wildly at him.

"What do you mean you've lost some of the campers?" You were baffled, and by the way you hands were rapidly heating the desk, Agent Nein was glad his office was fireproof. For someone so skilled in pyrokinesis, you, unfortunately, also had quite the temper. He cleared his throat.

"We've lost _contact_ with some of the campers. As I said before, we are trying to find them, but it is...difficult," Agent Nein replied, his voice betraying only a hint of chagrin. You were not impressed.

"Last time I checked," You began, stepping back from the desk to pace, "The campers are children. Small children. We have giant pumas, and bears with psychic _fists_ roaming around!" You pointed towards the window, where in the woods, one such disgruntled bear could be seen, "And you're telling me that we, the adult counselors, have not only lost the children, but we don't even know where they are?!"

Agent Nein, once again found himself glad that his office was mostly metal. After a few moments, Agent Nein casually wiped away some spit from his glasses, continuing as if the outburst hadn't happened, "As I was saying, we have not been able to locate them. However, Agent Vodello and I will be searching for them tonight. It has simply come to my attention that I should inform you, Agent Wayne.”

Agent Wayne huffed, but took a few deep breaths, calming yourself down and smoothing your hands over your pants, leaving little scorch marks in the fabric, "So, I'm going to stay here and keep teaching as if nothing is wrong?" 

"That is the plan, yes," Sasha Nein confirmed, no hesitation or hint of sarcasm. Agent Wayne took another deep breath.

"Fine," You decided, stepping away from the office chair and making you way to the door, "Don't expect me to bail you out if something goes wrong," you said, though it was a hollow threat, before closing the door behind yourself and walking out onto the camp grounds proper. You shuffled down the well-worn path back to the main area, roughly pushing a strand of wispy hair out of you eyes with a quiet huff. Half the camp was missing, but you had to keep on keeping on like everything was fine. Was it aggravating? Yes. Did you understand why they were going to be hush-hush about it? Also yes. It certainly didn't make you any less angry, though, and you found your hands twitching, wanting something to burn. Any other situation, and you might've done so, but you were both in a forest and also, somehow, the most responsible adult in the area, which meant you couldn't just go burning things. Set a bad example for the campers. So, you just huffed again, kicking a rock and grumbling. It wasn't long until you made it to the main area, and you forced yourself to take a moment to look around. 

It was...oddly quiet. That being said, you weren’t exactly surprised, considering half of the campers were missing. To the side, you could see Raz, doing some fairly dangerous looking stunts involving a clothesline and a hanger. If it was anyone else, you might've stopped them. But, knowing Raz, he'd just go and find a different way to keep doing the stunts. At least he had Lili with a safety net this time, so there was that. You shook your head, before stepping up onto the tree stump you used to deliver most of your class announcements.

"Alright, kids," you shouted, getting the attention of the few that were in the area, "Tonight's pyrokinesis lessons will be held by the fire pit. With marshmallows," You added. A few of the campers cheered excitedly, and Raz almost fell off the wire, and such was life. But, speaking of marshmallows, that meant you would have to go out and get some before the lessons started. The store was a few hours away, but there would be enough time to go get them before the class. A quick jog to the parking lot, past a lost looking Mikhail, and you were seated on your motorcycle. Helmet, on. Engine, ready. You glanced behind yourself, before revving up, and speeding off towards the nearest store.

\---

Several hours later, when the sun was just beginning to peak below the horizon, you returned. This time, with several bags of snacks in hand, more than enough to feed the hungry campers you would be teaching tonight. With a certain pep in your step, you got off the bike and began to walk to your lesson area. Once there, you set the plastic bags down, the marshmallows landing quietly as you began to rearrange them, looking around. The campgrounds always looked more mysterious at night, with the sparse lighting and the moon bumbling overhead. You mumbled something to yourself as you bent down to move one of the unruly marshmallow bags, only to stop, your keen ears picked up a faint groaning sound. 

"Who's there?" You demanded, voice a whisper, as you cautiously stood up and extended a hand outwards. The whooshing flame that appeared from your palm served as a sort of light, something you'd learned to do out of habit, lighting up the area where the groan had come from, "Show yourself!" 

The bushes ruffled, then the sound of snapping branches, and more groaning, before finally, a hulking figure appeared, raising its arms and- oh, wait, it was just Dogen.

"Er," You began somewhat awkwardly, slowly lowering your hand, the flame flickering out, "Are you alright?"

"I don't feel so good," Dogen bemoaned as he clutched his arm, an odd bite mark visible on the sunburned skin. You let out a strangled sounding noise, leaning down to examine him. Today was just gonna be one of those days, huh.

"Do you know what happened?" You asked carefully. Dogen's eyes unfocused, and he started to look a little greener than normal, so you repeated yourself, a touch more concerned than before, "I need you to tell me so I can help you, buddy,"

"I-I think I got bit by something in one of the buyous," Dogen cried, sniffling and sobbing pitifully. You cast one last longing glance at the bags of marshmallows, before sighing, picking Dogen up with a grunt.

"Erm, there there," You comforted awkwardly, slightly out of breath from picking up the kid, "Let's go to the nurse, yeah?" You decided, and mentally sighed when Dogen feebly nodded. Nurse Cruller was set up only a few minutes away, and you entered the infirmary, intent on having Dogen stay the night there. What you didn't expect was for Cruller to shoo you away, telling you to go to Sasha instead.

"You'll want that boy somewhere safe," Was all Cruller said, before going back to sweeping. You, confused but apprehensive, followed his advice. One trip down to Nein's lab later, and Dogen was set up in a medical infirmary type area. Though not very inviting, the boy didn't seem to mind, instead busying himself with rolling into a ball and crying some more. It was honestly pretty sad to watch, and if the lesson wasn't about to start in literally ten minutes, you would've stayed longer.

"Nein," You stopped, "You still going out tonight?"

"Yes," Nein stated. You shuffled awkwardly in place.

"Well, be careful. Dogen mentioned something in the bushes," You settled on.

"Nonsense, it was likely just a rat. You know how he is," Sasha replied with a dismissive glance. You felt an uncomfortable mix of dismay and agitation.

"Jerk," You muttered under your breath, before stomping out of the lab. Would it kill him to just listen to you for once? Probably. But, night was already upon Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp, and as such you had to make haste to the fire pit. Animals loved to wander around the camp after dark, and you didn't want to have to fight anything right now. Well, okay, that was a lie, you definitely wanted to fight something, but you had a class to teach. Responsibilities, and all that. You made it to the fire pit just in time, for as soon as you sat down, campers began to filter in. Or, the few campers left, anyway. You couldn't help but deflate when you realized just how many campers were missing. At the very least, Raz and a few others were present, so maybe some progress could be made this lesson. Upon every camper being seated, You mentally took roll call. Raz, Bobby, Lili, Kitty, Milka, Mikhail. Hm. Tough crowd.

"Alright class, since we seem to be missing...a lot of you," You began tentatively, "We'll be practicing our pyrokinesis via these marshmallows. Mostly because I enjoy roasting marshmallows.”

You TK'd a bag of marshmallows over to yourself, ripping it open and then giving a few to each camper. A few replied with various mumbles of, "thank you", but most were oddly quiet, casting awkward glances at one another. You, upon noticing that a large amount of the marshmallows remained untouched, decided to try and find out what was bugging your students.

"So, why the long faces?" You inquired, somewhat obliviously, setting a marshmallow alight and then cooling one that had burst into flames. The silence and awkward coughs of the students wasn't what you expected to hear. If it wasn’t for the sound of roasting, You would’ve suspected that you’d finally gone deaf.

Finally, Kitty broke the ice, "Everyone's missing, and I haven't seen Frankie in days, and I'm now stuck with these people!"

Your eyebrows shot up into your hairline, before setting your lips in a somewhat awkward frown, “Kitty, that isn't-"

"I heard that there are m-monsters in the forest," Milka interrupted, voice laced with a certain quietness that you never knew a person could physically achieve, and before you could tell her that such a thing was a little ridiculous, Bobby jumped in. Because of course he did.

"Yeah! With big teeth, and red eyes, and a taste," Bobby raised his arms up high, "for BRAINS!" And then he promptly smacked Raz in the face, knocking him off his log and onto the ground.

"Bobby!" You hissed, quickly TK'ing Raz back onto his log and handing him a few more marshmallows to share with Lili as an apology, before turning your attention back to the bully.

"There’s not monsters in the woods," You firmly told the group, combusting another marshmallow over the unlit pit, “None. None at all.”

"Could be wrong," Mikhail shrugged, "Did hear very strange noises last night in woods. But, could have been bear,"

"Shut up and eat your marshmallows, kids," You grimaced. There were a few murmurs of discontent, but otherwise, the campers complied. In the ensuring silence, You found yourself fiddling with the things the kids had said. Like a loose tooth, you just kept poking the thoughts. Something in the forest. Just like Dogen had said, something had bit him. Could that be what had caused the other campers to go missing? You frowned, and the marshmallow you held smoldered.

"You don't think it's true, right?" Raz questioned curiously, looking at you with a familiar glint in his eyes. Ironically, his marshmallows were the only ones that weren't randomly bursting into flames. Good kid, that one, but far too curious for his own good.

"Okay, no more talk about monsters. Eat your marshmallows," You ended the topic there, stuffing a marshmallow into your mouth to assert the silence.

A few minutes passed before you felt the hairs of your neck stand on edge. You glanced around to hide your anxiousness, your palms unconsciously getting warmer with your paranoia. Nothing but the forest and trees, you reasoned, returning back to your food. That is, until not a minute passed before you felt it again. This time, you heard the faintest sound of a groan. The first thought in your mind just so happened to be, "oh, butter biscuits.” /p>

Painfully casual, you leaned backwards a bit. There, you heard it again. This wasn't just your imagination either, from the look on Razputin's face he must have noticed it too, and he was looking right at you– Wait. On second thought, wasn't he able to read minds?...oh, double butter biscuits. 

"Well, I’m pooped. Good times were had by all,” You yawned and stood up, “Looks like it's time for us to move this show to the cafeteria," Agent Wayne laughed, a little bit too rushed and strained for your tastes. The kids didn't seem to notice, except for Raz and Lili. Unhelpfully, the groaning to your left jumped a few sound levels, just enough for the campers to hear.

"What was that?" Kitty demanded in the kind of way that made you briefly wish that you could just sacrifice her to the monsters that were currently on the hunt for everyone’s flesh. 

"IRS agents," You lied, lifting up the small group with TK and holding them in the air, "So, I’m going to just carry you guys to the cafeteria, you know, so the taxes don’t scare you. But on the off chance you do see something scary, you must definitely _not_ screa–“ 

"AAAAH!" Bobby let out the most blood-curdling scream you had ever heard. It would have been funny, except for the parts where it wasn’t.

"-Mmm, okay, never mind ,” You sighed, dropping your head down a little as the monsters around them groaned even louder. You looked up to see what it was that had spooked Bobby, when you saw it: it was Phoebe, except she was green, was sporting a red bite mark, and was groaning for brains.

"Oh. Zombies, of course!" You nodded, straining to keep a grip on the TK of your students as they panicked. You vaulted over the zombie, before high tailing it out of there and towards the Cafeteria. The entire time, Bobby was screaming at everything that moved. It got to the point where if he kept at it, you would lose your grip. 

“Bobby!” You snapped, “Relax!” 

”AAAAH,” Bobby did not chill. He thrayoud hard, until he plopped right out of the TK bubble, dropping into the ground. Raz, upon seeing this, snickered.

"Don't worry, they only eat brains. You’ll be fine," Raz stuck his tongue out at Bobby, before you hurried them away, Bobby being largely ignored by the zombified campers. 

With the distraction in the form of Bobby provided, You were able to make it to the Cafeteria with ease. Soon, they rammed through those safe doors, and just as soon as you were inside, you unceremoniously dumped the kids onto the ground.

"You guys are heavy," You wheezed, holding your side leaning over slightly. you rose your head, using your free hand to point to point,” The doors!" You exclaimed. Raz and Lili got the idea, and quickly began to TK a barricade up. Chairs, benches, the entire stove that Chef Cruller was (still) using, all of it was tossed to the door. 

"Mikhail, on a scale of one to ten, could you possibly fight off all the zombies for us?" Lili asked, looking anxiously at the unsturdy barricade.

"Maybe 70%, but not all," Mikhail shrugged..

"This is insane!" Kitty wailed, tossing yourself at one of the half finiyoud TK barricades, "I'm leaving!"

You made a half-hearted attempt to stop Kitty, but between you and Bobby you could barely muster the strength to care. The faint cries of, "ew the slime is in my hair!" helped ease your guilt.

"Okay, new plan," You started, helping the group TK barricade the rest of the doors, "We go to Agent Nein's lab and find out where this came from and how to fix it.”

"I like this plan," Mikhail agreed, "But, you will need distraction.”

You blinked at him in confusion for a few seconds, before scowling and refusing, "No. You are my students, I am not going to toss you at–“

"Too late!" Mikhail called from past the cafeteria, somehow already outside.

"...Okay," You let out an exasperated noise, before picking up the rest of the small group in your TK field. When you only counted two, you quietly cursed, "I've lost Milka too. Butter biscuits, I am not a very good teacher.”

To cut your losses, and use the distraction that Mikhail was providing, you decided that it was for the best. Milka could go invisible, so out of all the campers you was the least likely to get caught by the undead creatures.

"Right, let's go!” You shouted as you burst through the front doors of the Cafeteria, a bright blue bubble of TK'd children trailing behind yourself. You bounded past Mikhail, who was busy wrestling a zombie bear, and you jumped into the hollowed-out stump of a tree. Down you fell, until you landed in the Rapid Transport System. Beside you, the TK bubble landed and popped, and both Raz and Lili landed in the seat beside you.

"To Agent Nein’s lab!” Raz announced, excited for the adventure. A robotic voice replied with a smooth ‘of course’, and the trio rocketed off. 

Too soon, they were ejected into the pristine white room of Agent Nein's laboratory. Gadgets and gizmos whirled around and around, with the brain tumbler on the center of the chaos. You were careful not to mess with anything of importance, but you were quick to try and scan the computer for anything about the current events.

"Negative," was all you came up with.

"Maybe it's in one of the files," Lili suggested, gently nudging a stack of papers with her foot. Then the papers flew away in a mini explosion, scattering around the lab floor. Hastily, Lili and Raz attempted to clean them up.

"Maybe, but that would take forever to read," Raz shrugged, eyeing all the scattered files with an evil and unhappy gaze.

You were inclined to believe them on that front. Before the agent could decide to actually try and read any of the documents, you heard a groan. Small, faint, and to the left.

"You don't think," Lili began tentatively, but you shook your head in the negative.

"No. There's no way anything could get down here. The only thing I brought was..." You stopped yourself as you realized, "Dogen!”

Like a bolt of lightning, the trio took off down the hall into the makeshift infirmary. Inside the room, laying on a small white cot, was Dogen. Looking a bit green, actually, but none the worse than usual. You were never so happy to see the boy in your life.

"Dogen! What did you say bit you?" You demanded. Doghen looked at you curiously, before thinking.

"Well, I think it was a squirrel. I mean, now I really want nuts, and I want to climb things," Doghen replied honestly, gazing up at your skull with an odd look in his eyes, "Hey, your head looks like a really nice nut..."

"Okay, now we're leaving," You hurried the two kids out of the room, before bolting the door shut and sighing.

"Squirrels.”

”So we gotta appears the squirrels somehow to lift the curse?” Raz suggested.

”Your guess is as good as mine, kid,” You shrugged. you pointed upwards, towards the surface, “If we can get up there, we can try the forest outside the GPC for the squirrels. That’s about as far as my plan goes.”

Raz and Lili shared a look, but eventually nodded as well, the plan as good as any. And so, they went. Upon reentering the outside world, the trio made a break for the forest. Narrowly, they dodged several zombies that wanted to eat their brain nuts, and at more than one point you had to TK the kids to safety, but soon you all made it. The forest, however, was eerily quiet. The group was on edge, acutely aware of every leaf being crunched or branch snapped. 

"Shouldn't be too far by now," You offered, only to trail off as you spotted movement in the corner of your vision. Just in time, you TK'd the Raz and Lili out of the way, as Agent Nein and Agent Milla bounded out, gnashing their jaws. Raz and Lili gasped, but you only grit your teeth. 

"Agents. Sorry it has to come to this," You said, and only lied a little, a small smile on your face as you squared off with them. A beat of silence, before you spun around and TK lobbed Raz and Lili as far away as you could. Hopefully they would be safe while you kept these two distracted.

"Go find the squirrel! I'll handle these two..." You called out to the retreating forms of Raz and Lili, until you were only silence.

Now far away from the fight, and hopefully the zombies, Raz and Lili hurried on. Occasionally, they’d hear the faintest shout of some curse, or a roar of battle, but soon even the sounds of the fighting went quiet.

"Come on, we have to hurry!" Lili grabbed Razputin's hand and they kept running, searching for the squirrel. Crunch, crunch, step, snap. The sounds of the forest only seemed to be amplified right now, and to them they could only wish for silence.

"Look!" Raz whisper-shouted, pointing to a small silhouette hidden in the trees ahead. The squirrel! They had finally found him! But as they charged forward to finally put an end to this madness, a hulking figure dropped down in front of them.

"Coach Oleander?" Raz and Lili both mouthed in shock, as a green version of their coach stared back at them.

"Brains," was all he said to them, before he began to advance towards the pair.

"Brains," Sasha Nein and Agent Milla both echoed from behind Raz and Lili, and they realized with horror that they were trapped. Raz and Lili prepares to fight, but it was an ominous feeling, that they weren’t sure if they’d make it.

"Watch it!" A voice from above shouted, a ragged voice that sounded as if they had recently done a lot of shouting and cursing. Raz and Lili looked up, and watched as none other than Agent Wayne, or rather, you dropped down from the sky– or even more rather, the tree you’d been hanging from. You TK'd the pair away from Coach Oleander and Nein, depositing them safely beside the squirrel.

"Be fast!" You commanded, before lighting your hands up, and letting the fires rise. Raz almost wanted to stay and watch, because it was so cool, but Lili pulled him away, until they were face to face with the squirrel.

"Okay squirrel, can you change my friends back?" Raz tried, but the squirrel was having none of that.

"Oh come on, please?" Raz tried to plead, but again the squirrel did not care.

"I wasn't even aware that was a bone that existed!" In the background, you exclaimed.

"Let me try. Squirrel, uncurse our friends now," Lili threatened the squirrel, at which the squirrel flipped its tail at her in disdain. 

"What is wrong with you?" Lili squinted her eyes in frustration.

"Oleander, remember the Alamo!" You cried out.

"There has to be something we can do..." Raz rubbed his chin in deep thought. Suddenly, as Agent Wayne TK kicked Milla into a tree, Raz snapped his fingers.

"I got it!" 

Quickly, Raz knelt down next to the squirrel and whispered something into its ear. The squirrel looked pensive for a moment, before squeaking and nodding. Raz stood back up in triumph, as the squirrel clapped his tiny hands once before disappearing in a puff of smoke. Just as suddenly, the fighting stopped.

"Agent Wayne, why am I biting your arm?" Agent Nein began cautiously, at which you let out a hearty laugh promptly fell over.

Just another day at the Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp.


End file.
